By Josie Goldberg
This is a time of year where I am extra careful as 10 years ago around this time, my thoroughbred racehorse “Only Josie Knows” lost her life on Palm Sunday at Santa Anita Racetrack in 2015.
It was one of the biggest losses of my life. It was unexpected, shocking and one of the saddest days of my life. I carried guilt for many years to come. I remembered the heading in many articles when I would go online “Only Josie Knows” DEAD in Santa Anita Spill. My life changed in a split second. It was unreal but very real to others who have been in Thoroughbred Racing as accidents do happen. After the race I saw all the other racehorses return to their trainers and I was left standing on the track. All alone about to have a breakdown. It was like watching war movies where wives of soldiers go to pick up their husbands after war and run towards the airplane door as it opens and realize in that spilt second that their husband did not make it home.
That was me on Palm Sunday in 2015. I ran on the track to see my horse and comfort her before they euthanized her. I did not want her to think I had abandoned her in her last moments. Security blocked me as I started crying, screaming and having a meltdown. I was told it was CHRB (California Horse Racing Board) Rule, no owners are allowed on the racetrack during racing. Everyone was so sad of those who attended Santa Anita Racetrack that day. I had a friend in security that day who let me go to the room where they kept her body before she was picked up. I looked at her and started reading the “Kaddish” (A Jewish Prayer of Praise and scarification of God, recited during mourning rituals, funerals, and memorial services). I was so sad, I even told her that you’re a Jewish horse this was not your holiday to die on) but as life went on, I realized “Only Josie Knows” was a Catholic and she died on one of the holiest holidays for Catholics.
When “Only Josie Knows” came into my life in 2011, it was around March or April 2011. I went to Santa Anita while HBO “LUCK” was filming to confront David Milch who was the Creator & Executive Producer of the series as he promised me a role that would be life changing for my nonexistent acting career, after one year of preparations with his coaches, handlers and production assistants, he changed his mind and I was out of everything that had to do with the HBO “LUCK” show. I was also on a Dr. Phil series, “Spoiled and Entitled” where I was casted to portray a character in demand, but Dr. Phil and his other famous guest started calling me crazy and going in a direction that was damaging to my career. In addition, I had this Kileod scar on my chest, that ruined my Playboy career, and to top it off the man aka my Jewish A-List Jewish director, that I thought was going to marry me, Brett Ratner put this supermodel girlfriend on the Cover of Playboy and laughed at me. I hit a very low point in my life, and I really thought my life was over and I honestly thought that there was never going to be a light at the end of the tunnel for my entertainment career.
When I could not find David Milch that day at Santa Anita Race Track, I found a very wealthy handsome California Breeder and an even more handsome, successful owner that embraced me, and basically saved my life by gifting me pieces of three thoroughbred horses “Spoiled and Entitled”, “Only Josie Knows” and “Dem Josie Legs”. Horseman really have American values and these men embraced me and really gave me a chance to improve my life that I never dreamed I would have in my darkest times. I never imagined as my parents were legal immigrants from Former Soviet Union. The only way to have a good life was education and being a professional. No Entertainment industry and for sure no Horse business. Who would think one day I would be a successful thoroughbred owner and live in this lifestyle for many years to come.
I went to dinner one evening with David Milch as he shut down the restaurant for me. Very romantic and pretty amazing to have dinner with an A-list HBO writer/creator of many successful shows that won some EMMYs. David told me some things that initially I thought he was just trying to get in my pants. He told me that I am like him in many ways, and I need to learn patience. I kept trying to change my mind. He kept telling me he wants to develop me. That made me so mad, because I wanted a basic union small speaking part from him, not a series regular or something huge. I loved reality tv and being just a tv personality. David insisted I’m a DRAMATIC ACTOR.! He told me I remind him of accomplished actress Sharon Stone who he gave a start to. Then he told me about his relationship with his Trainer Julio Canani and his racehorses, and his huge wins at Gulfsteam Park in Florida and his Gulfstream private jet. My head was spinning! Then he told me about his gambling escapades that helped him pay off his bills until he made it as a big studio writer at HBO. Does all this sound familiar?
I ended up hiring David Milch’s trainer Julio Canani when HBO “LUCK”, got shut down after season 1. It was the perfect time to hire his people. They all needed horses and jobs as David had to liquefy his horses and basically get out of the business immediately, he took a major financial hit. His trainer would never have taken my horses with their non existent pedigree. I told his trainer Julio as a joke one day, there is no more David Milch and Julio. I am your new David Milch, it’s me and you MY JULIO and don’t worry, I am giving you your last good horse. I said it as a joke but unfortunately it was the truth. But he knew something about me was special or he would say “CRAZY’ but he LOVED it!
I accidentally picked the best trainer ever with my vendetta for Mr. David Milch. Julio developed my horse “Only Josie Knows” into a champion. I fell in love with my horse, traveled to many fun places, made some money but most of all got out of the darkest times of my life. “Only Josie Knows” gave me a life that was so fulfilling. She taught me I could do the unthinkable. We started in the lower races and ended up winning the highest level race at the prestigious Del Mar Thoroughbred Club. I forgot about marring the A List Jewish Director, and my biggest failure of getting on the scripted tv show for HBO “LUCK”. I became so happy for many years and then it all ended in 2015. Back to drawing board as my Sicilian Friend/mentor Joe Scardino would say. “Only Josie Knows” was Julio Canani‘s last best horse, as he left training in 2016 and passed away in Feb 2021.
My partner Phil told me that Jesus told him to save my life and that’s what he did with giving me this opportunity. “Only Josie Knows” ran for about 4 years and my partner Phil always would say you better enjoy these times because they don’t last forever and you Josie are very lucky to have such a good run with a horse with a big heart, winning capabilities and most of all this horse that LOVES YOU!
When my horse died, I decided to cremate her and when I went to the Pet Crematorium to pick her up in a box it was such a harsh reality of life. Our whole relationship flashed before my eyes. I never thought it would end this way. (The glitz, glamour, equine therapy she did for me, her love, etc.). I had her as a baby and I could not believe when she made it to be champion, she died. I put her ashes in a box in my office, and from time to time I go over and speak with her.
I suffered for many years to come. I would go online and would read what people are saying on how I should have retired her before she died. I carried guilt and would wake up crying at night. But I know it did everything right. She had the best Doctors, handlers, trainers and care. It was just a fluke accident as she stepped in a hole on the Turf track and broker her leg and died. What people don’t understand is that Thoroughbred Horses are bred to run. If they can’t do what their meant to do, they act up and end up hurting themselves and many kill themselves. Like many professional athletes, horses too get sore and injured and need a lengthy turnout. “Only Josie Knows” would get vetted throughout her career and had to take many breaks and rest on the farm from time to time. When I would talk with her handlers, they said she would get in the mood and was mad to not be at the racetrack in training. Then when she would ship into training, she would give me the silent treatment for a couple of days, she was pouting because I listened to Drs Orders. Then when her racing saddle went on she would cry from joy! She loved her career as a Racehorse.
I look back and feel that God was testing me throughout her career. I was offered $175,000 dollars for her when she made it to the top. However, I always promised her that she would be in my life until either she or I died because I loved her so much. She was not for sale! We went from the bottom up and I loved her the same through it all. A lot of family, friends, critics & my Jewish community, say I don’t want to build with a man, and I want a readymade one (JOSIE GOLDDIGGER GOLDBERG). That is not true, my horse gave 100 percent, and I ended up choosing love over the money 175,000 to be exact. With these men in my life, they not only had no heart, but they had nothing to offer except some physical chemistry from time to time, that’s why I chose to build solo and with “ONLY JOSIE KNOWS”. I loved building with my horse because she gave me 100 percent. I realized that in a partner of any kind, that’s a number one quality I’m looking for in Mr. Right. One never knows who your savior will be and or partner to build one’s foundations to be fruitful in the future. For me it was with my racehorse “Only Josie Knows.”
They say tell God your plans and he will have a good laugh. I would always get sad because we all know in the entertainment industry you need a little push. I went on Dr. Phil series “Spoiled and Entitled” show with the intent of getting more of a Reality tv career, romance with an A-list Jewish Director, or exposure for various scripted tv shows. Many of my Playboy Model friends and Reality TV Stars had nepotism, or a chance with marriage with an NFL PLAYER, RAPPER OR ENTERTAINTER. I got my little push with a Thoroughbred Racehorse. It was not what I ever dreamed of, but Thoroughbred Horse Racing on the California circuit gave me a chance to get it and I did and will be forever grateful.
When “Only Josie Knows” died PALM SUNDAY 2015, that was just her physical death. Just like the biblical story of Palm Sunday & Easter when Jesus rose, my horse awakened me to rise again and be risen to new chapters of my life as a reporter and many more titles that I dream of to have one day!
The Jewish people say “Am Yisrael Chai”
Happy Passover and Easter to all my friends!