Before we start, I know what you’re thinking: “What?! No recap for Week Nine of the NFL season?! WTF?!” Well, I have some exciting news which I will share at the end of this article. Because of this, I didn’t have time to do a proper recap of the action of Week Nine. Since you know of all the chaos that happened during the Trade Deadline, let me make it up to you by doing what I normally do around the halfway point of the NFL season.
It’s time to rank teams based on their chances to make the playoffs. Now, these are odds based on how they are playing right now. This is by no means a guarantee as we found out from the Indianapolis Colts last year. So, we have five tiers I am going to sort the 32 teams into. And, since you all know I am a huge Stevie Nicks fan (at least I hope you fans know this by now), the tiers are all based on Stevie’s songs.
Here we have the breakdown:
TIER ONE: EDGE OF SEVENTEEN
This is one of Stevie Nicks’ most iconic songs, and it fits this category. Here we have the top contenders. Not only do they have a strong chance for a playoff spot, but they also have a strong shot at the Super Bowl title as well.
TIER TWO: STAND BACK
This is also another popular song from the Queen of Rock and Roll herself. It’s also a solid song, like the teams in this tier. These are the ones that have a good chance at a playoff spot, barring a huge nosedive.
TIER THREE: LANDSLIDE
This is one of Stevie’s songs from when she was with Fleetwood Mac. However, it is appropriate for this tier, as these are the bubble tiers. If they don’t perform better, and if some key teams don’t lose, well…then the Landslide is coming for them.
TIER FOUR: TROUBLE IN SHANGRI-LA
I think the song for this tier is self-explanatory. But in layman’s terms, these are the teams that are in deep trouble of missing the playoffs. Something needs to change for them, and they need some opponents to take key losses, or this season is lost.
TIER FIVE: SOMETIMES IT’S A B***H
First off, I don’t want to curse, hence the sensor. Second, this song is more than appropriate for these teams. These are the teams that are done and have a long offseason and rebuild ahead of them for the coming year.
Now that we have the rankings. I will break them down going division by division and include each team’s record. Let’s have some fun! (Note: these rankings have taken into account the Commanders victory over the Giants on Thursday Night Football)
AFC EAST:
Buffalo Bills (7-1) – Edge of Seventeen
New England (5-4) – Stand Back
New York Jets (2-7) – Sometimes It’s a B***h
Miami Dolphins (1-7) – Sometimes It’s a B***h
AFC NORTH:
Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2) – Stand Back
Cincinnati Bengals (6-2) – Stand Back
Cleveland Browns (5-4) – Trouble in Shangri-La
Baltimore Ravens (4-5) – Trouble in Shangri-La
AFC SOUTH:
Jacksonville Jaguars (6-2) – Edge of Seventeen
Houston Texans (3-5) – Landslide
Indianapolis Colts (2-7) – Sometimes It’s a B***h
Tennessee Titans (1-7) – Sometimes It’s a B***h
AFC WEST:
Denver Broncos (7-2) – Stand Back
Kansas City Chiefs (6-2) – Stand Back
Las Vegas Raiders (4-5) – Landslide
Los Angeles Chargers (0-8) – Sometimes It’s a B***h
NFC EAST:
© Troy Taormina, IMAGN IMAGES via Reuters Connect
New York Giants (5-3-1) – Landslide
Dallas Cowboys (4-5) – Landslide
Washington Commanders (3-5-1) – Trouble in Shangri-La
Philadelphia Eagles (2-7) – Sometimes It’s a B***h
NFC NORTH:
Chicago Bears (7-2) – Edge of Seventeen
Detroit Lions (6-2) – Stand Back
Minnesota Vikings (6-2) – Stand Back
Green Bay Packers (6-3) – Landslide
NFC SOUTH:
Carolina Panthers (3-5) – Landslide
New Orleans Saints (3-5) – Landslide
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-6) – Trouble in Shangri-La
Atlanta Falcons (3-6) – Trouble in Shangri-La
NFC WEST:
San Francisco 49ers (7-1) – Edge of Seventeen
Seattle Seahawks (5-4) – Landslide
Los Angeles Rams (5-4) – Trouble in Shangri-La
Arizona Cardinals (3-6) – Sometimes It’s a B***h
WELCOME TO ASPIRING SPORTS MAGAZINE
So, I did say that there was a reason I was too busy to do a recap for Week Nine of the NFL season. That’s because I am proud to announce the release of a new sports magazine: Aspiring Sports Magazine. Partnering with Cynthia Hudson from our sister publication, Aspiring Magazine, the new Aspiring Sports Magazine looks to highlight the amazing athletes and their stories. Join founders April Diamond and Godwin Mordi, graphic designer Daniel Enrique De Leon, and of course yours truly as we dive deep into these incredible athletes, sports, and more! But if you think I am done writing recaps and stuff for the Hollywood Times, think again. Where else can you get someone who can compare a sports team floundering to a drunk donkey on roller skates? Get ready for an amazing journey.
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