The 58th Superbowl
Planet earth is the Reality Show now.
By Dale Nickey
Los Angeles, CA (The Hollywood Times) 2/12/24 – CBS gave us the fifty-eighth installment of the Super Bowl and it pretty much had everything. A Las Vegas locale where football, gambling and alcoholic excess go hand in hand. We also have a romantic subplot with an A-list blond bombshell dating a Big Man in the AFC, tight-end Travis Kelce. High school on a grand and awesome scale. Manufactured controversy comes courtesy of the GOP who are attempting a ‘Revenge of The Nerds’ style takedown via conspiracy theory. Oh yeah, The Kansas City Chiefs are the defending champs.
What follows are my real time impressions of the game, the commercials, and of course the main attraction, Taylor Swift…
First possession:
SF has starting QB Brock Purdy, Mr. Irrelevant, who was the last player drafted in 2022. Write your own Purdy Boy jokes. Gifted with the opening set of downs after the coin toss, KC figures Purdy will have opening night jitters. Wrong. Purdy has a nice start, slicing and dicing thru KC’s pass defense. RB McCaffery knifing through the KC front four; derrrr, fumble by SF, turnover to KC.
Scarlett Johannson parlays two Oscar losses into a partially animated big bucks M&M’S commercial cameo.
KC First Possession:
3 downs and out. SF defense looks young, pumped and ready to rumble.
Purdy continues to use play action like a grizzled vet, KC’s secondary has more holes than Trump’s classified documents defense. Purdy 5 for 5 so far.
Kawasaki uses 70’s mullet nostalgia, “business in the front, party in the back”. Yuck…
SF Draws first blood for 55-yard field goal for Super Bowl record.
Commercial star watch Glenn Close, Tina Fey and Jeff Goldblum yet again.
What are they putting in the kicker’s feed bag? All punts, kickoffs and field goals are off the charts. Both teams.
KC gets 52-yard gain and quick cut to Taylor and… a fumble – SF recovers.
Purdy running and gunning. Horse collar penalty after a 9-yard run. Horse collar? New one on me.
Mr. Kelce Swift goes all pissy pants, body bumping his offensive coordinator for taking him out on the play where KC fumbled. Maybe switch to decaf.
Kate “The Great” McKinnon and her cat takes the early lead for cutest commercial. My cat says “Mayo” too.
New CBS TV series “Halo” looks like a barn burner.
SF defender Greenlaw injures an achilles tendon running on to the field from the sidelines. Weird. Omen?
KC intentional grounding and then a sack. They look terrible. Why is SF only leading three to zip?
7 minutes to go in the half. Purdy has all day to throw, continues to dissect the KC secondary. Running game solid. Personal foul KC again. KC’s Sneed called for head slap. These are the champs?
OMG! SF pulls off a double reverse flea flicker TD pass; Purdy to Jennings to McCafferty 10-0.
More star turns; Ben Afleck, J-Lo, Matt Damon in the recording studio. Witless tomfoolery. I think it was for Dunkin’ Donuts. Can’t remember, don’t care.
Boy, a lot of commercial spots for CBS primetime lineup. Ad rates too steep? Soccer great Messi shows his skills to flog Michelob Ultra piss water.
KC Coach Andy Reid, winner of the Wilfred Brimley looks alike invitational.
Purdy continues to throw lasers as the 1st quarter closes.
Christopher Walken for BMW….uh…ok?
Arnold and Danny Devito do a cute “Twins” turn for State Farm.
2nd quarter:
Crowdstrike’s cyber zombie spot had big screen production values.
Mahomes taking a lot of hits. The SF defense has maintained one giant collective boner. I don’t see things getting better for KC. We might be in for a snoozy blowout like the good old days.
More KC unforced errors and penalties. First down KC in SF territory.
Time out. KC with a minute to go in the half. First sack of the day goes to SF. KC fails on 3rd down. Field goal. 10-3 halftime.
Ken Jeong’s turn in Popeye’s commercial finally made me laugh out loud.
Halftime show:
After some pointless bloviating from CBS Sport’s panel of talking hunks, Usher takes the halftime stage.
(EZRA SHAW / GETTY IMAGES)
What is there to say? Usher, Las Vegas, and Superbowl equals moves, beats, gymnastics, threads and thunder. Looks like the cast list of every show in Vegas was plundered in the service of this spectacle. Alicia Keys contributed a few seconds of no-frills musicality and H.E.R shredded all too briefly. All this building to a kitchen sink finale with guest rappers (Lil Jon and Ludicris), roller skates and a marching band. The internet says it was amazing and life changing.
Patrick Stewart mortgaged his dignity for a big shilling payday with Paramount.
Back to Swift watch…
A Super Bowl ad for Scientology??? Are you s&*%ing me? What’s next, a 30 second spot for Jesus? Sorry, what?.. Really. Oh…
Second Half:
Second verse same as the first. Big loss for KC followed by a SF interception. Conspiracy nut says what?
SF punts on 3rd down, plants it on the 2-yard line. SF just has that look about them.
Beyonce as an android, Barbie and President, plus the nerdy guy from Veep courtesy of Verizon. Friends cast members for Uber eats zzzzz. The writer’s strike is over, right?
KC 3rd and one. Denied. Taylor moving and grooving in the luxury box going into commercial. Queen soundtracking Pfizer. Strangely appropriate?
Mr. T? We can’t be running out of A-listers already.
Post Malone and posse hoisting Bud Lights in the luxury box, good on them. Lady Gaga in the house, didn’t know she cared about such things.
Doritos road rage Grandma spot. Yeah, I know…
SF Special Team ninja Conley clothesline tackles Chief on a punt. Same guy who downed the last punt on the 2. Is there such a thing as a 10-3 blowout?
KC first down gets a Swift shot. Going for another record breaking field goal attempt. Geez it’s good from 57. Has a kicker ever won MVP? Now 10-6. These kickers are definitely juiced.
Neil Diamond soundtracks a nice homage to history of the VW Beetle. Still don’t know what Homes.com is all about.
Three downs and out for SF, we may be in for a pant wetter yet.
KC punt, fumble by SF recovered by KC. TD pass. KC 13-10. Cut to Kelce and Swift losing their s*&^.
SF offensive guard down. Injury timeout. Must be bad. That’s the third 49er sent to the med tent. Starting to get that feeling of failing.
4th Quarter:
First SF play a long, gainer over the middle. First down at the 12.
TD!!! Holy bulk ruffage! KC blocked the extra point! This never happens; literally. 3-point game.
Kelce reception for first down. Cut to Taylor please? Thank You.
KC starting to grind. 1st and goal. SF stopped them. Field goal only. 16-16. Oh, that missed extra point.
SF drive. Purdy continues to shine. Taylor captured biting her nails. Consternation becomes her.
Jeez, Moody nails a 52-yard field goal. 19-16 SF. This is the year of the foot.
KC marching down field. Playing the clock. Kelce takes it to the 10. Taylor says, “Oh my God!”
Another 49er down. 4th down 16 seconds to go. KC field goal.
Overtime:
Again, that extra point. Taylor chugs a brew.
SF 3rd and 2. Yes! Pass complete. Another 1st down another 49r to the med tent. McCafferty starting to go to work. Drive stalled. SF settles for a field goal. 22-19
KC 4th and inches. If SF gets a stop, they win. Damn, 1st down. Uh oh…KC in field goal territory. Mahomes runs it for a first down at the 13. Taylor cam on high alert. Kelce with a catch and run.
TD pass. KC wins. Taylor buried in a mountain of hugs. Poor SF. Is Taylor coming down to the field?
Post Game Show:
Vince Lombardi Trophy presentation. Kelce starts screaming “Viva Las Vegas”. The microphone works Travis. Rasps his thanks to his teammates. Many quick cuts to Taylor smiling sheepishly. Oh no, Kelce starts screaming at the top of his 6’5” / 250lb. lungs. “You gotta fight for your right to party!!!” Cringe…
Yep, she’s down on the field. Taylor and Kelce are definitely having a “get a room” moment. No Biden endorsement forthcoming. Sorry Fox. Sorry Newsmax. Taylor has more class than that.
That’s that. America’s favorite tribal ritual in the books for the fifty-eighth time. All in all, a pleasant afternoon. A nail biter to end all nail biters with a romantic subplot and identity politics cherry on top. Same time next year…
