In “Tales of Modern Motherhood II: Gender & Identity” at the Whitefire Theatre, Pam Levin continues her one-person excavations of a multi-dimensional life, revealing the awakening of her trans son and the profound effects on her family.
By John Lavitt
Sherman Oaks, CA (The Hollywood Times) 04-01-2023
Sometimes a mohawk is more than a mohawk. In many cases, the introduction of a mohawk by a child to a family is downright surprising and even shocking. Even in those cases, however, a mohawk, although perhaps a sign of adolescent rebellion, does not usually have greater signification. For Pam Levin’s family, however, a mohawk opened the door to a meaningful change in gender and identity that genuinely was trans-formative.
When Pam Levin asked her five-year-old daughter what she wanted for her kindergarten graduation, Darby smiled wide and replied, “A Mohawk!” Although reluctant to turn Darby into a punk rocker, she makes a deal with her child. If Darby still wanted a mohawk after graduation when summer began, she would get one. For anyone who doesn’t know what a mohawk is beyond a Native American tribe, Wikipedia illuminates as it cuts, “The mohawk is a hairstyle in which, in the most common variety, both sides of the head are shaven, leaving a strip of noticeably longer hair in the center.”
The mohawk excitement never dissipated, and Pam knew that once her “Darby Girl” (Pam’s fond nickname for her child) zeroed in on a goal, she rarely let go. It was one of the child’s most charming qualities. She was a bit of a tomboy, dressing as a boy and preferring to play with the boys. It looked great when she got the haircut based on a hip look by the rockstar Pink that Pam found in a magazine. Even more significantly, Pam was so happy to see her daughter beaming as she had never beamed before.
When they went to a summer pool party for a friend’s birthday, however, the beginning of an ugly cycle of judgment and criticism began. As parents drank mimosas and ignored their children’s behavior in the pool, Darby came under a storm of nastiness with one little girl acting like a cheerleader possessed by the devil: “Darby looks like a boy! Darby looks like a boy!”
Scared for Darby and incensed at the kids, Pam decided to leave. She comforts her child, letting the little girl know that sticks and stones might break your bones, but words would never hurt you unless you let them. Still, what happened was hurtful. She worried about what might happen in the future. At that moment, she did not realize that her Darby Girl was in the nascent stages of realizing he was a Darby Boy.
At the White Fire Theatre in Sherman Oaks on March 30, 2023, Pam Levin performed “Tales of Modern Motherhood II: Gender & Identity,” her one-woman show about her daughter becoming her son. An award-winning solo performer, Pam’s life is her artistic canvas; this is the third show I have seen about her experiences. It is a shame that it was only a one-night charity event for Lambda Legal and the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU).
Pam’s previous one-person shows were terrific and very funny. They touched the audience but did not attain this show’s raw emotional power and visceral resonance. Indeed, it was one of the most profound and heartfelt explorations of acceptance and love on stage. During the show, I had to remove my glasses and wipe tears from my eyes three or four times.
Many of us had difficult childhoods. As a trauma specialist, Dr. Gabor Maté writes, “The greatest damage done by neglect, trauma or emotional loss is not the immediate pain they inflict but the long-term distortions they induce in the way a developing child will continue to interpret the world and her situation in it. All too often these ill-conditioned implicit beliefs become self-fulfilling prophecies in our lives.”
What is remarkable about Darby’s journey from a girl to a boy is the lack of trauma, as her family cushioned her with acceptance and love. My tearful reaction reflects the ghosts of childhood trauma: So much pain was generated by that vacuum of love and acceptance. Beyond the void, there was the firestorm. For so many of us, so much damage was caused by love and acceptance being harshly replaced by criticism and denigration.
Indeed, when I think of how many people in the trans community experience the opposite of what Darby experiences, it makes me so sad. The tragic results are suicides, sexual exploitation, addictions, and extreme physical abuse. As Pam Levin describes the journey of Darby and the family, the parents’ confusion is kept separate from the children. The number one goal of Pam and her husband, Brett Winn, is to make sure that Darby is safe and that his choices are respected. They reflect an ideal of acceptance that is missing and void in much of the world.
After the show, during a question-and-answer period on stage, Darby kept poking at his older sister, Bella, and she was poking right back at her younger brother. With a wink wink, the parents should have known better than to sit the two siblings next to each other. In truth, I loved the interaction between Bella and Darby: It reminded me of what I was like at that age with my older sister. I would leap on any opening to annoy the hell out of her.
Indeed, at that moment, the two siblings were so refreshingly normal in the healthiest sense of the word. It is a breath of fresh air in this time when posturing and judgment are normative. Ultimately, beyond the success of “Tales of Modern Motherhood II: Gender & Identity,” Pam Levin’s most impressive achievement is the peaceful comfort zone of acceptance where her children live and where they can continue to find and express themselves.
Photographs by Kenny Johnston
